As you may have read on my blog, when I’m not busy causing chaos on the dark side, I preoccupy my time by masquerading as your common art student. I take a lot of studios, and I usually need to bring lots of things to class. Sometimes I even come to class looking something like this:
As you can imagine, with art classes on the 3rd and 4th floor of the Art building, and usually plenty to carry, the elevator is usually plays to my advantage. Technology can aid me! It seems though that technology is also draining the intelligence from others. Although I’m sure any average civillian could give you at least a dozen elevator pet peeves, this one tends to occur the most often.
It was to my great distraught this week when I discovered that average society is no different than the ridiculousness that happens around the lab! I boarded an elevator with several other art majors, all of us loaded with out luggage, destined for the 4th floor… Low and behold, this person enters:
The nerve! For someone to just get in an elevator full of encumbered artists and demand a leisurely ride up to the 2nd floor! Ok, so people are lazy once in a while, but let’s review the complete obnoxiousness of this scenario:
- She clearly has nothing of significant weight to carry. Even factoring the less than substancial amount of arm muscle we must factor into this consideration, this is a bit on the wimpy side.
- The above considered, she feels no guilt in making an elevator full of encumbered individuals that probably average between 4-7 hours of sleep a night wait longer to stop on 2.
- She has the nerve to comment about her problems while doing this.
- She will wait up to 5 minutes to take an elevator to the 2nd floor, when there is a perfectly good set of STAIRS that will get her there significantly faster.
WAIT. STAIRS. Let me introduce all of you to one of mankind’s greatest inventions:
This, my friends, is a STEP. A tool with which you may reach a higher destination. A tool that will help you RISE ABOVE YOUR FOES. Well, at least in a physical way. Steps are how mankind used to reach high altitudes in the olden days before they invented elevators, the escalator, and the skilift. Yes, it is a powerful and versatile tool. It is also not given enough attention typically. People forget the things they step on, it seems. As a villain, I tend to recognize things I step on. Usually those are things I despise, and I’m too busy hating them not to notice I’m stepping on them.
Given the genius of my brilliant mind, I have come up with several unconventional solutions to this problem:
- Rigging the elevator so it does not stop at the 2nd floor
- Providing a weight sensor at the entrance to the elevator, so that people that weigh below the required amount of inconvenience will be dropped into a tank of sharks
- Providing access to the elevator to only professors and students taking studios through ASU suncard reader
- Providing a 3rd elevator that goes to the 2nd floor that is at least 10x slower than the previous two, therefore conditioning lazy people to take the steps
- Doing the previous idea, only conditioning people who do lazy things via electric shock
Of course, being any evil action may compromise revealing my alternate identity, I am forced to smile and be polite. But be assured, lazy elevator hogs, for I will have my revenge!